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1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do
not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not
walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with
a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's
always darkest before dawn.
So if you're going to
steal the neighbor's newspaper,
that's the time to
do it.
4. It's a small world. So you gotta use
your elbows a lot.
5. Sex is like air; it's not
important unless you aren't getting any.
6. We
are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get
worse.
7. No one is listening until you make a
mistake.
8. Always remember you're unique, just
like everyone else.
9. Never test the depth of
the water with both feet.
10. It may be that
your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.
11. It is far more
impressive when others discover your good qualities
without your help.
12. If you think nobody
cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
13. If you tell the truth you don't
have to remember anything.
14. If you lend
someone $20, and never see that person again; it was
probably worth it.
15. If you haven't much
education you must use your brain.
16. Never
mess up an apology with an excuse.
17. Never
underestimate the power of stupid people in large
groups.
18. Give a man a fish and he will eat
for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit
in a boat and drink beer all day.
19. I don't
have a license to kill. I have a learner's
permit.
20. Taxation WITH representation isn't
so hot, either!
21. If you drink, don't park.
Accidents cause people.
22. Some days you are
the bug, some days you are the windshield.
23.
Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first
time.
24. If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
25. Don't squat with
your spurs on.
26. Never ask a barber if he
thinks you need a haircut.
27. Good judgment
comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from
bad judgment.
28. The quickest way to double
your money is to fold it in half and put it back in
your pocket.
29. Timing has an awful lot to do
with the outcome of a rain dance.
30. A closed
mouth gathers no foot.
31. Duct tape is like
the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it
holds the universe together.
32. Telling a man
to go to hell and making him do it are two entirely
different propositions.
33. Tact is the ability
to tell him to go to hell and have him be happy to be
on his way.
34. I didn't say it was your fault.
I said I was going to blame you.
35. Eagles may
soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet
engines.
36. There are two theories to arguing
with women. Neither one works.
37. Never ask a
man the size of his spread. (Or anything else for that
matter!)
38. Never miss a good chance to shut
up.
39. Generally speaking, you aren't learning
much when your mouth is moving.
40. Anything
worth taking seriously is worth making fun
of.
41. Diplomacy is the art of saying "good
doggie" while looking for a bigger stick.
42.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile
in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them,
you're a mile away and you have their
shoes.
43. If Barbie is so popular, why do you
have to buy her friends?
44. Experience is
something you don't get until just after you need
it.
45. How many of you believe in telekinesis?
Raise my hands.
46. The problem with the gene
pool is that there is no lifeguard.
47. Don't
be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't
be promoted.
48. and a final thought for your day:
Two wrongs
don't make a right. But three lefts do.
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