a  d     o
   t      d

Dear Joe:

You haven't learned anything in the past two years have you. You're an a$$hole. If you have a dog, I hope it dies.

F*ck you.

Dear SysOp:

What do you mean? I am a new modem user. I have never called a BBS before.

Assumed Name.

Dear Assumed/Joe/Whatthef*ckeveryournameis:

You're a little liar. Go to hell and don't ever call here again or I'll r*pe your sister.

Eat me.

Dear SysOp:

My sister's only 5 years old.

[ SysOp breaks into chat ]

The SysOp is here!

That's all the better. I'll bring my shoehorn!!!

[ Line noise, SysOp is screaming into phone with the wind of the big ]

[ bad wolf ] NO CARRIER

PART IV, in which the kid stops calling the board for a time to lay low. In the interim, the feds have come to his house to question him. He cracks under their interrogation and spills everything. The little shit names the BBS he has been calling for the last two years as his favorite computer hang out. How stupid. He must be a cabbage or something.

After cracking under the pressure of the FBI he calls the SysOp to warn him and to make ammends. He fails miserably. NO CARRIER.

[ After several attempts at logging on under his real name (which has ] [ been locked out of the system) he uses the name John Smith (how ] [ original...remember the cabbage?) and leaves a message to the ]

[ SysOp ]

Dear SysOp:

I just thought I'd warn you that someone tipped the feds off about your board and that they'll be coming to question you about your illegal activities. Maybe you should go into hiding.

Joe Blow,
Shit...how do you edit a line...fuck fuck fuck.

Dear Joe:

You little prick!!!!!! What the hell did you tell them. I don't run no illegal board. I think I'll shoot you AND r*pe your sister and kill your little dog, too. As a matter of fact, I'm on my way. Shit, there's a knock at the door. It BETTER not be the feds.

F*ck you eat me suck my dick you little f*cker.

PART V, in which the kid and the SysOp make a court appearance and exchange heated words.

The courtroom is filled with credit card frauders and phreakers, much to the SysOp's dismay because it makes him look bad. The only thing that keeps going through his mind (driving him nuts) is "Good morning, the worm, your honor." He wishes he had a shotgun so he could shoot the kid. He does, however, have his shoehorn.

PROSECUTOR: Mr. SysOp, you have a user on your BBS system named Joe

Blow, is this correct.

SYSOP : No, I used to, but I locked the little shit out.

DEFENSE : Objection your honor, he's a little prick, not a little

shit.

JUDGE     :  Sustained.  Mr. SysOp, I will kindly ask you to keep your
             answers truthful.
            [ Welcome to hell.  How DO you like it??????? ]
KID       :  I'm not either of those things!

JUDGE,
PROSECUTOR,
DEFENSE,
SYSOP,
in unison : YES YOU ARE!!!!!!!!!!

[ the kid shuts up ]

KID : He sells stolen credit cards!

JUDGE : Is this true, Mr. SysOp?

SYSOP : Absolutely not! The kid's a liar!

PROSECUTOR: Your honor, we would like a recess to build a case

against Mr. SysOp.

SYSOP : WHAT? You're going to believe this little f*cker?

DEFENSE : OBJECTION!

JUDGE     :  Sustained!  The court has already established that the
             little f*cker is a little prick.

DEFENSE : Your honor, we move for a mistrial!

JUDGE : F*ck you, this court is in recess.

[ The trial drags on and the kid's parents are finded copious amounts] [ of money, and the SysOp goes to jail for credit card fraud because ] [ the kid couldn't think of anything else to say about the SysOp to ]

[ save his ass. ]

EPILOGUE

Two years later, the SysOp got out of jail, but was promptly sent back on charges of r*ping a seven-year old girl, shooting the kid, and killing a little dog. He was sentenced to die in the electric chair, but went with a big grin on his face.

The kid went to hell, where all little leeches eventually go. His sister went to hell too, and sold shoehorns for a living.

THE MORAL

SysOps: THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOU! Don't let nine-year-olds on your BBSes! Ban the little leech!