NORTH POLE -- In a press release this morning Santa Claus announced
 that, due to excessive government regulation, his annual December 24th
 voyages would be canceled until further notice.
 
 Mr. Claus's legal difficulties began on Christmas Eve of last year, when
 Santa's sleigh was forced down by Air National Guard fighter jets after
 violating military airspace.  A subsequent Federal Aviation
 Administration (FAA) investigation resulted in Claus's being forbidden
 from operating any air transport within the United States of America.
 FAA documents show that infractions allegedly committed by Claus include
 repeated and flagrant violation of airspeed, altitude, and routing
 rules, failure to file flight plans, habitual overloading of his sleigh,
 and delivering air cargo without a commercial pilot's license.
 
 Claus's excuse that these violations were necessary measures to enable
 him to deliver toys to all the world's good children in one night was
 not considered to be a mitigating factor.  A further result of the
 investigation was the impounding of Santa's sleigh by the National
 Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) as unsafe; an NTSB spokesman
 summarized the agency's case in the statement that "the glowing nose of
 a hoofed mammal is not an acceptable running light."
 
 The information revealed in the FAA inquest prompted several other
 federal agencies to begin their own inquiries into Claus's activities.
 The result of these investigations was multiple indictments against
 Claus.  The United States Customs Service, noting that Mr. Claus had not
 paid duties on the toys he imported, requested that Claus be assessed
 millions of dollars in tariffs and fines.  The Immigration and
 Naturalization Service, after being informed that Claus had entered the
 United States and was working without a visa and Green Card, has begun
 deportation proceedings.  Claus also faces fines and possible criminal
 charges in connection with a Department of Agriculture report accusing
 him of bringing nine reindeer into the United States without appropriate
 vaccinations and quarantine procedures.
 
 Additionally, Whitewater special prosecutor Kenneth Starr is reported to
 be requesting his authority be extended to include investigating Claus,
 noting that Santa has made yearly trips to Indonesia, Taiwan, and Little
 Rock.
 
 The investigations into Claus's activities have also resulted in legal
 action being brought against Santa's Workshop, a non-profit organization
 for which Claus is chief executive officer.  The Equal Employment
 Opportunity Commission has filed a class-action suit against Santa's
 Workshop alleging that that organization engages in discriminatory
 hiring practices by employing only elves; Santa's Workshop has
 reportedly rejected a settlement proposal of approximately $10 million
 in back pay, penalties, and diversity training for Santa and Mrs. Claus.
 
 The Environmental Protection Agency has declared that Santa's Workshop's
 North Pole manufacturing facility is "severely contaminated" and filed
 suit for cleanup expenses under the Superfund act; evidence cited
 includes reports of pointed ears and diminished stature among Santa's
 Workshop employees, and mutations such as flying and power of speech
 among the local reindeer population.
 
 Furthermore, the Workshop's financial records are being audited by the
 Internal Revenue Service (IRS) in an effort to determine how, in the
 words of an IRS spokesman, "a supposedly charitable organization can
 give gifts to millions of children annually while receiving no apparent
 income."
 
 In a related story the so-called Santagate hearings continued today in
 Congress.  The House Committee on Un-Christmaslike Affairs heard
 testimony from the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) stating that
 Santa's distribution of presents is unconstitutional.  "By
 discriminating between naughty and nice children Santa Claus denies them
 equal protection under the law," an ACLU attorney stated.  "By not
 informing children of their naughty or nice status and providing a means
 of appeal children are denied their right to due process.  These actions
 are clearly in violation of the Fourteenth Amendment."
 
 In light of these hearings many of Claus's former political allies have
 been quietly withdrawing their support of the beleaguered saint; former
 Massachusetts senator Paul Tsongas declared as early as 1991 that "I am
 not Santa Claus."
 
 There are some reports that Santa Claus will not discontinue his
 benevolent activities entirely.  A reliable source in Santa's Workshop
 has stated that, in the spirit of Christmas, Santa will be paying an
 unofficial trip to Washington, DC, this Christmas Eve.  The same source
 speculated that this trip may pertain to the distribution of a shipment
 of coal that Claus recently received.











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