Some reasons why a modem is better than a woman:

A modem doesn't ask for a commitment if you use it. Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as typing "AT". When you're done using your modem, you can roll over and go to sleep without feeling guilty.
A modem won't say a word if you come home late. A modem can't collect alimony if you decide to dump it. A modem will always wait patiently by the phone. A modem doesn't bitch if you sit and play with the computer all night long.
You can always get a few bucks for an old modem when a faster model comes out.
A modem doesn't mind if you call another modem. A modem doesn't require any foreplay - just an initialization command. A virus you catch from your modem doesn't require a trip to the doctor.
You don't have to bring a modem home to meet your parents. If an error occurs, Abort, Retry or Fail are the only options you have to worry about.
Modems come with an instruction manual. Modems have a volume control - you can even turn the sound OFF.