Quotes from the Montreal comedy festival 
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"My mother never saw the irony of calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
* Rich Jeni
"I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms."
* Gary Valentine
"Luge strategy? Just lie flat and try not to die."
* Tim Steeves
"I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese guy and a black 
guy. I took a picture and sent it to Benetton. You never know."
* Franck Dubosc
(On the difference between men and women:) "On the one hand, we'll never 
experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars."
* Jeff Green
"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted 
sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type 
in, 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire,' and the computer 
will say, 'Specify type of goat.'" 
* Rich Jeni
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." 
* Jimmy Shubert
"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you 
have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." 
* Rich Jeni
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he 
never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
* Lenny Clarke
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid 
problem?'"
* Emo Philips
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
* Rich Jeni
"Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'"
* Jeff Green
"I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in poverty.  
Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite 
well for themselves."
* Emo Philips
"My parents saw the president they loved get shot in the head. I saw my 
president get head."
* Elon Gold
"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a 
Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
* Kevin James
"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns 
the state into a gay dungeon-master." 
* Emo Philips
(On the going to war over religion:) "You're basically killing each other to 
see who's got the better imaginary friend."
* Rich Jeni
"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on Me.  
And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'" 
* John Wing
"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?  'Hold my 
purse.'"
* Francois Morency











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