Getting married is very much like going to a
     restaurant with friends.  You order what you want,
     then when you see what the other person has,
     you wish you had ordered that.
     -----------------
     At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,
     "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong
     finger?"  The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the
     wrong man."
            ------------------------
      After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You
      know, I was a fool when I married you."  She replied,
      "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
        -----------------------
      A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds:  "Husband
      wanted".  Next day she received a hundred letters.
     They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
         -----------------------
        The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and
        said, "I've found a man just like father!"  Her mother replied,
        "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
         -----------------------
        When a woman steals your husband, there is no better
        revenge than to let her keep him.
         ------------------------------------------
        Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The
        rest cheat in Europe.  * Jackie Mason
         =======================
         Man is incomplete until he is married.  Then he is
         finished.
          -------------------
         A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does
         it cost to get married?"  And the father replied, "I don't know
        son, I'm still paying."
         ----------------------
         Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of
         Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
        Dad: That happens in every country, son.
         ----------------------
         Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real
         happiness was until I got married; and then it was too
         late."
         -----------------------
        A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my
        husband a millionaire."  "And what was he before you
        married him?" asked the friend.  The woman replied,
        "A billionaire."
        -----------------------
        "The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is
        that you never get to prove it."
         -----------------------
        Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
        Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
          -----------------------
         If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict
         attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
         -----------------------
         Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go
         through life thinking they had no faults at all.
         -----------------------
         You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you
         start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and
         so does she.
        ----------------------
         During a heated spat over finances the husband said,
        "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this
        place, we could fire the maid."  The wife, fuming, shot back,
         "Oh yeah?  Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we
        could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."
         -----------------------
       Personally, I think one of the greatest things about
       marriage is that as both husband and father, I can
       say anything I want to around the house.  Of course,
       no one pays the least bit of attention.
         ------------------------
        According to the latest surveys, when making love, most
        married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.
        -------------------------
        Husband: Want a quickie?  Wife: As opposed to what?
         -------------------------
         My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.
         So I got two girlfriends.
        -------------------------
        How do most men define marriage?  A very expensive way
        to get your laundry done free.
        -------------------------
        The most effective way to remember your wife's
        birthday is to forget it once.
         --------------------------
        Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is
        packing your parachute.
         --------------------------
         First guy (proudly):  "My wife's an angel!"
         Second guy:  "You're  lucky, mine's still alive."
        ---------------------------
         Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down
         the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still
         think they are beautiful.