Dear Santa:
I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need
diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want
one little thing, and I want it deeply.
I want to slap Martha Stewart.
Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything.
Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all
cozy inside just thinking about it. Don't grant this wish just for
me, do it for thousands of women across the country. Through sheer
vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all. Those of
us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with
gracious living.
We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we
stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner. We're tired of
Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in
18-carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of the
furniture polish variety. We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday
sauce, spiced with turmeric. Most of us can't even say turmeric,
let alone figure out what to do with it.
OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet
with all the holiday rush you didn't catch that interview with Martha
in last week's USA Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room on
the page for her ego.
We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's
only ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold (No cold pizza? Is
Martha Stewart living?) When it was pointed out that she could microwave
it, she replied, "I don't have a microwave."
The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she said this "in a tone
that suggests you shouldn't either."
Well, lah-dee-dah. Imagine that, Santa!
That lovely microwave you brought me years ago, in which I've learned
to make complicated dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate, has been
declared undesirable by Queen Martha. What next? The coffee maker?
In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning
an entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell "overkill"? And
neatly put away, no less. If my dishes make it to the dishwasher that
qualifies as "put away" in my house!
Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for
friends. "Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone,"
she boasts. Not just scarves mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's
obviously not shy about giving herself a little pat on the back. In
fact, she does so with such frequency that one has to wonder if her
back is black and blue.
She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the 90s," and
says her most glamorous friends are "interested in stain removal, how
to iron a monogram, and how to fold a towel." I have one piece of
advice, Martha: "Get new friends."
Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the Greek
Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They step
out for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by
tuxedoed chauffeurs. They do not spend their days pondering the finer
art of toilet bowl sanitation. Zaslow notes that Martha was named one
of America's 25 most influential people by Time magazine (nosing
out Mother Theresa, Madeline Allbright and Maya Angelou, no doubt).
The proof of Martha's influence: after she bought white-fleshed
peaches in the supermarket, Martha says, "People saw me buy them. In
an instant, they were all gone." I hope Martha never decides to
jump off a bridge.
A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to
rollerblade with her dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries for
breakfast.
This confirms what I've suspected about Martha all along: She's
obviously got too much time on her hands. Teaching the dogs to
rollerblade. What a show off.
If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her
friends: She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman
Library. It didn't cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. But
what price friendship, right?
When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't envy me.
I'm doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy
teachers. You should listen to them." Zaslow must have slit a seam in
Martha's ego at this point, because once the hot air came hissing
out, it couldn't be held back. "Being an overachiever is nothing
despicable. It is only admirable. Never lower your standards," says
Martha.
And of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares herself an
"important presence" as she graciously helps people organize their
sad, tacky little lives. There you have it, Santa. If there was ever
someone who deserved a good smack, it's Martha Stewart. But I bet I
won't get my gift this year.
You probably want to smack the b*tch yourself.











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