A Chinese lady went to the eye doctor. He examined her and said, "Lady, you've got a cataract."

She responded, "No, I've got a Rincoln continentoo."

Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

1. Marry it!

On the way to preschool, a doctor left her stethoscope on the car seat. Her daughter picked it up and began
playing with it.

"How cute," said the doctor-mom. "She wants to be a doctor like me!"

The little girl picked up the stethocope....."Welcome to McDonald's. May I take you order?"

The Navy Captain looked the crew over and said, "Men before anything more is said, I would like to clear up one thing. This isn't MY ship, this is YOUR ship."

From deep in the ranks came a voice: "Great! Hey guys, let's sell the damn thing."

At Dyess Air Force Base, the Airman on the switchboard in the Comm Center answered the "Military Affiliated Radio System" (MARS) with: "MARS Station, Airman [Smith] speaking."

There was as a gasp on the other end, then a woman's voice said, "Good Heavens! I must have mis-dialed. I didn't even know we had people stationed on Mars now anyway." And she hung up.

There was a Texas lawyer who was so big... How big was he?
He was so big, when he died they couldn't find a coffin large enough to hold his body!
So, what did they do?
They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox!

A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes out to the cab, lifts the lady's dress, and begins to take off her underwear. Suddenly he notices that there are several cabs, and he's in the wrong one.

Q: Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and left leg in a car wreck?

1. He's all right now.

Q: What do you get if you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's Witness?

1. Some one who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning and tells YOU to fuck off!