Saying Goodbye the 90's Way
 
 Men often find blowing off a woman the most difficult part of the dating
 process. The closest they ever come to telling a woman it's over is to
 look
 her straight in the eye and say, "I'll call you next week." But there is
 how
 a great way to blow a woman off. It's safe, it's affordable and the best
 thing is the female has no opportunity to throw things at you. It's at
 your
 fingertips right now e-mail. That's how all the happening, 90's kind of
 guys are telling women they are not worthy. You'll feel like a real man
 knowing you have told her how you really feel from the safety of your
 keyboard. And you can delete her response without ever reading it. What
 could be more painless? Following is an e-mail rejection letter Men can
 use
 it the next time they need to put their main squeeze on notice. The text
 of
 the letter follows
 
 Dear (her name),
 
 I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further
 contention
 to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably aware, the
 competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified
 candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will,
 however, keep your name on file should an opening become available.
 
 So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors,
 please allow me to offer the following reasons you were disqualified from
 the competition (men will check those that apply)
 
 _____ Your failure to reach for your purse in even a feigned attempt to
 pay
 for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic
 economics.
 
 ______ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by
 the truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for the
 position.
 
 ______You failed the 20 question rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions
 about
 yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
 
 ______The only question you did ask was how much money I make.
 
 ______You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside
 after I opened the passenger side door for you.
 
 ______My breasts are bigger than yours.
 
 ______Your height is out of proportion with your weight. If you should,
 however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit
 your application.
 
 ______Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called a penis when
 it's
 this small?" were both uncalled for and thoughtless.
 
 ______The way you enthusiastically jumped on stage at the alternative bar
 and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too
 impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to
 heterosexuality.
 
 ______Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your
 ex-boyfriend
 to shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic abuse rap" shows
 compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously.
 
 ______Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount
 importance
 to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team into the bedroom
 so it would be "just like college" seemed somewhat extreme and
 inappropriate.
 
 ______I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
 
 Sincerely,
 
 (Your name)