The Complete Set Of Blonde Jokes Volume I

1. Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
   1. Gifted!
2. Q: How do blonde braincells die?
   1. Alone.
3. Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
   1. Pregnant.
4. Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
   1. Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
5. Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
   1. Artificial intelligence.
6. Q: How does a blonde part their hair?

   A1: (Action of scissoring legs apart) A2: By doing the splits.

7. Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
   1. Because they can't even keep two calves together!
8. Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
   1. Nothing. They've never met.
9. Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
   1. Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!
10. Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
    1. After a dye job.
11. Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?

    A1: She'd just dyed her hair. A2: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around

    too much.

12. Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
    1. To catch everything that goes over their heads.
13. Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
    1. You can park in the handicap zone.
14. Q: What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievment?
    1. An IN-body experience!
15. Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle?
    1. They both get fucked up when they're on their back.
16. Q: What do Darren Millane (Collingwood footballer killed in a

    recent car crash) and a blonde have in common?

    1. Put either of 'em in a car and their fucked.
17. Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
    1. Humpme Dumpme.
18. Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
    1. Shine a flashlight in their ear.
19. Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
    1. Shine a torch in her ears.
20. Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
    1. It takes too long to retrain them.
21. Q1 How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
    1. There's white-out on the screen. Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
    2. There's writing on the white-out.
22. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
    1. You only have to punch information into a computer once.
23. Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
    1. You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.
24. Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
    1. She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9.
25. Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
    1. (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!
26. Q: How do you kill a blonde?
    1. Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
27. Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
    1. They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
28. Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello?
    1. They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.
29. Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?
    1. All you can eat, under a buck.
30. Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
    1. Because they can't get their head in the jar.
31. Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?

    A1: They can't find the zipper. A2: They cant find the pull tab.

32. Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?
    1. They have to have some place to rest their ankles.
33. Q: Why do blondes where big hoop earrings?
    1. To put their feet through.
34. Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
    1. Her ankles.
35. Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
    1. Because red means stop.
36. Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
    1. Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."
37. Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
    1. By the lipstick on your cucumbers.
38. Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators?
    1. They chip their teeth.
39. Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
    1. They make good ankle warmers.
40. Q: What do blondes do for foreplay?
    1. Remove their underwear.
41. Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
    1. Cause their balls show!
42. Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
    1. "I'm *sooo* drunk!"
43. Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
    1. (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
44. Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing?
    1. She was run over by the zambonis machine.
45. Q: What's a brunette's mating call?
    1. Has that blonde gone yet? A2: When is that blonde bitch going to leave!? A3: "All the blondes have gone home!" 46: Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
    2. Because they can spell it.
46. Q: Why do blondes like the GST? (GST -- Goods and Services Tax now in

    effect in Canada)

    1. Because they can spell it.
47. Q: What is 74 to a blonde?
    1. 69 plus G.S.T.
48. Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
    1. Toes Go In First.
49. Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
    1. Tits Go In Front.
50. Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
    1. An interpreter.
51. Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
    1. A mental block.
52. Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?

    A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.

53. Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?
    1. "Have another beer."
54. Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?
    1. Pack their lunch and send them to work.
    2. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?

       A1: Introduces themself. A2: Walks home.

    3. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
    4. Fertilized.
    5. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?
    6. Unfertilized.
    7. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
    8. Opens the car door.
    9. Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex?
    10. Kick open the car door.
    11. Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
    12. More head room.
    13. Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
    14. More leg room.
    15. Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blonde?
    16. Bucket seats.
    17. Q: What do blondes say after sex?

        A1: "Thanks, Guys!" A2: "Are you boys all in the same band?" A3: Do you guys all play for the <team name>? A4: Who were all those guys?

    18. Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
    19. Because everybody gets a turn.
    20. Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
    21. Because she's been laid all over the country.
    22. Q: What important question does a blonde ask her mate before having sex?
    23. Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?
    24. Q: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm?
    25. *Who cares?*
    26. Q: Why do blondes have orgasms?
    27. So they know when to stop having sex!
    28. Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?

        A1: She drops her nail-file! A2: Who cares? A3: She says, "Next". A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder. A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes. A6: I mean, who really cares? A7: The batteries have run out.

    29. Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
    30. "Thanks for the refill!"
    31. Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
    32. Data transfer.
55. Q: Why do blondes use tapons with extra long strings?
    1. So the crabs can go bungee-jumping.
    2. Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
    3. She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.
    4. Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her

       nametag) ?

    5. "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"
    6. Q: Why do blondes have more fun?

       A1: Because they don't know any better. A2: They are easier to keep amused.

56. Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?

    A1: "What's a lightbulb?" A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her. A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"

57. Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine?
    1. "Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!"
    2. Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
    3. A wine cellar.
    4. Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
    5. Peroxide.
58. Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?
    1. They're doing research on black holes.
    2. Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?

       A1: They both have a black box. A2: Both have a cockpit.

    3. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?
    4. Not everyone has been in a 747.
    5. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
    6. Not everybody has been in a limo.
    7. Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth?
    8. Gee, Are you sure it's mine?
    9. Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
    10. "Are you sure it's mine?"
    11. Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
    12. A wind tunnel.
    13. Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
    14. A dope ring.
    15. Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart

        blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up? A1: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus,

        the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde. A2: None of them. There is no such thing as Santa Claus, the Tooth

        Fairy or a smart blonde and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.

59. Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
    1. To see what was on the other side.
    2. Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
    3. Pull the pin and throw it back.
    4. Q: Why do blondes take the pill?
    5. So they know what day of the week it is.
    6. Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
    7. Because it kept falling out.
    8. Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
    9. Because her boyfriend was also blond!
    10. Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the

        ground first?

    11. The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
    12. Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
    13. Her IQ goes up!
    14. Q: What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde?
    15. A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.
    16. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
    17. You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
    18. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
    19. You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.
    20. Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde?
    21. Butter is difficult to spread.