"Bathing Like A Woman"
Take off the fourteen layers of clothing you put 
on this morning because there was a distinct chill 
in the air due to the temperature dropping below
33 degrees.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown 
and towel on head. If you see your boyfriend/
husband along the way, cover up any exposed 
flesh immediately, ignore his juvenile turban gags 
and then rush to bathroom.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and 
stick out your gut so that you can complain and 
whine even more about how you're getting fat.
Turn on the hot water only.
Get in the shower, once you have found it through 
all that steam.
Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, 
wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey 
shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey 
shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Wash your hair once more with Cucumber and 
Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey 
conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave 
on hair for fifteen minutes.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub 
for ten minutes until red raw.
Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa 
Cake body wash.
Complain bitterly when you realize that your 
boyfriend/husband has once again been eating your 
Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least 
fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has 
all come off).
Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide 
that you can't be bothered, and, anyway, the hair 
helps keep you warm. (Huh?  Was this written by
a European?)
Slick hair back and pretend you're like Bo Derek 
in 10.
Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband 
flushes the toilet, and you get a rush of scalding 
water.
Turn hot water on full and rinse off.
Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.
Check entire body for the remotest sign of a spot. 
Check entire head for gray hairs. Attack both with 
nails/tweezers if found.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown 
and towel on head.  If you see your boyfriend/
husband along the way, cover up any exposed 
flesh immediately, ignore his juvenile turban gags 
and then rush to bedroom.











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